No longer

I haven't written in so long
My mind is heavy and cloudy
I no longer feel the same, no longer strong
In fact I find it hard to even see

I can't put my finger on why
The reason the words won't come anymore
I sit here and ponder and sigh
If I can't write then then what am I for

There's something so strong in my head
Something that pulls me forward
But it seems to have stopped and so I am dead
Tonight I have awoke and stirred

The only person who can read is you
Someone out there that seems to understand
Even when I can't and am blue
I know that you will get every single strand

My world is changing upside down
And with every day I lose myself more
The water runs so deep now I drown
I don't know anymore I am so unsure

The decisions I have made in my life
Now make no sense in the world
I add nothing to peace and add to the strife
I want to crawl into my ball tightly curled

I still wish I could run away and hide
Disappear and live alone out in the bliss
Make my own peace, get off this ride
How can I do that, be so selfish

A part of me wishes I could be who I should
A fabulous mother and role model to her
But it's something I tried so hard but I never could
It's here inside me and it's started to stir

I want to get married and be a great wife
Sit at home with the kids and be alive
Instead here I am struggling with life
Trying so hard every day just to survive

I sound so ungrateful for the life I have in my hands
But in truth I just don't feel I deserve it at all
Deep down I think that god understands
That he sees my plight and allows me to fall

Who can help me push through this pain
No one but me, but I can't seem to let go
I have so little to lose, so much to gain
Yet here I am my biggest enemy and foe